Seasonal Depression and Writers Block
This winter has been a real struggle for me personally. Helsinki went through 'A Snow Gap Year' which I hadn't realized tremendously effected my mood and writing. The last two winters there was snow and snow and more snow! So much snow, which as a southerner I'd never experienced in my life before, and it was overwhelming, but lovely. This year, however, the darkness wasn't counteracted by the pretty falling whiteness, instead it rained. And then the rain continued for months, darkness and rain, giving me the inability to just function as a human being. My homesickness festered to the point where if I call my parents I just want to cry (and did after the phone call ended). The only thing forcing me to have a purpose everyday was my dog Nynaeve. She needed me and so therefore I couldn't just stay curled up under my duvet until 12 o'clock in the afternoon. And lets be real, the motivation to edit or write was as depleted as a overused double A battery.
Usually I write everyday! Even if it's just 23 words and two pages of revision, which to my standards is not a lot, low bar, but still something. But as the winter gloom persisted, the more it became harder to click open my Word Document. There were times when I'd force myself to click and then just stare melancholy at the words I had written. Just the thought of having to read them over and knowing I'd be scratching whole sections of my novel and then rewriting made me feel weak and tired. So I didn't. It was just too much, even with coffee. I distracted myself saying I didn't have a deadline, this could wait until I felt happier, Ooo look Netflix. I even thought of just giving up. I have so many WIPS with (to me) nothing to show for my efforts, and who would care if I just stopped writing? No one. Yeah, I talk about writing all the time, but none of my work except YSWHHW is near close enough to show anyone, so why not give up? It would be so easy. The people around me would understand. They'd probably even think: I knew you couldn't do it, and they'd be right. Maybe I could even go back to teaching. I'd be busy and fulfilled and not have to answer to myself. So easy.
This lasted for two months: December and January. But as January is almost over and we here in Helsinki are still experiencing copious amounts of rain, it is finally beginning to get lighter again. I feel that I can almost breathe the promise that the sun is coming back, and my brain is telling me once again that if I want an agent then editing and work is my only salvation from feeling like a complete and wretched failure.
I DON'T WANT TO BE A FAILURE. So there it is. I think I've finally overcome my writing block (we'll see if it snows next winter, fingers-crossed) and am getting back into my schedule. I also want to say that I struggle with fear of failure constantly, but if I can push myself out of this funk then you can too. Keep Writing!
Usually I write everyday! Even if it's just 23 words and two pages of revision, which to my standards is not a lot, low bar, but still something. But as the winter gloom persisted, the more it became harder to click open my Word Document. There were times when I'd force myself to click and then just stare melancholy at the words I had written. Just the thought of having to read them over and knowing I'd be scratching whole sections of my novel and then rewriting made me feel weak and tired. So I didn't. It was just too much, even with coffee. I distracted myself saying I didn't have a deadline, this could wait until I felt happier, Ooo look Netflix. I even thought of just giving up. I have so many WIPS with (to me) nothing to show for my efforts, and who would care if I just stopped writing? No one. Yeah, I talk about writing all the time, but none of my work except YSWHHW is near close enough to show anyone, so why not give up? It would be so easy. The people around me would understand. They'd probably even think: I knew you couldn't do it, and they'd be right. Maybe I could even go back to teaching. I'd be busy and fulfilled and not have to answer to myself. So easy.
This lasted for two months: December and January. But as January is almost over and we here in Helsinki are still experiencing copious amounts of rain, it is finally beginning to get lighter again. I feel that I can almost breathe the promise that the sun is coming back, and my brain is telling me once again that if I want an agent then editing and work is my only salvation from feeling like a complete and wretched failure.
I DON'T WANT TO BE A FAILURE. So there it is. I think I've finally overcome my writing block (we'll see if it snows next winter, fingers-crossed) and am getting back into my schedule. I also want to say that I struggle with fear of failure constantly, but if I can push myself out of this funk then you can too. Keep Writing!
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