My Obsession with Zombies

I can look back on my life and pinpoint the exact occurrence of when my obsession began. It began in our kitchen's sun-room. That was were the TV was during my childhood. We had an upstairs playroom for a while, the room over the garage, or as you sometimes call the room: The Den. But my parents were mediocre hoarders and that room was soon filled with boxes, furniture that they didn't want to get rid of,  VHS tapes, childhood books, random art, and an old pullout sofa for when my grandparents visited. The TV was moved down stairs: One because it was more accessible, and Two my mother wanted to be able to censor what my brothers and I were watching. This apparently didn't apply to video games or to my brother.

My brother had just gotten a PlayStation, and without my mother's knowledge, my oblivious father had let my brother rent Resident Evil from the video store. The first time we played we were hooked.  I had nightmares, but even that couldn't discourage me from the need of seeing if I could survive. I didn't. My always selected character, Jill Valentine, hardly ever made it very far. I got frustrated and then I would hand my younger brother (by a year and a half) the game console and watch him play.

I was a very good audience, however. I would gasp and scream and cry, "Watched out!" at all the right places. The addiction to suspense, tension, and fear carving itself into my young mind, embedding abstract like roots deep into my psyche; the thrill of fear. 

I became obsessed in that innate fear of losing oneself, of losing your identity, of becoming something different with out the control of your mind, and turning into a ravenous monster still with all of your facial features. Body horror, self preservation, the loss of ones identity: themes that a young girl of 9 shouldn't have to contemplate. These are the notions/concepts that zombies offered me and which I couldn't help put but myself into, and that nightmares couldn't help me sort out. I'd always wake up right before they got to me. In a recurring dream I'd find myself in a ally at a dead end. No more running. Trapped. I would wake up before they could eat me whole, my heart racing as if I'd really just been running. Racing for my life. 

Resident Evil 2 came out in 1998, then Silent Hill in 1999: my friend and I playing the demo in her basement scaring the shit out of ourselves. This was also during a formative time in which my friend and I (and several other girls) would play games during sleepovers like 'Light as a Feather, Stiff as a Board' and 'Bloody Mary' in the bathroom; solidifying my growing fascination in horror. 

The Survival horror genre become a favorite topic of discussion. In 2002 Resident Evil became a movie. In 2004 Dawn of The Dead was remade (I was now in high school), Shaun of the Dead followed. Zombies were everywhere! George Romero's Night of the Living Dead was rented from Blockbuster every Halloween. I would talk my friends ears off about my survival plans, to their gowning annoyance and exasperation. Driving in the car with my mother I would map escape routes.

Skip to 2010 The Walking Dead airs on AMC. It was a good time to be a zombie fan.

Now in 2019 zombies don't seem to be slowing down. I hunt down every movie with a zombie related theme, whether it be B movie quality or well produced. I usually force myself through insufferable sexism, which creeps up every now and then, in the B movies. Though, sometimes I can't even finish watching to my concentration! I just want to watch people being ripped apart that's all a girl can ask for! I'm not watching to see shitty men being shitty to women, and shitty women being shitty to men during an apocalypse, thank you very much. A good survival story, interesting characters, and dialogue is so much more enjoyable. 

As Halloween approaches zombies and other creatures that go bump in the night have been more and more on my mind. I hope that some of you agree with me in my feeling on zombies, relate with me about why they're fascinating. that you agree that the fear of losing yourself, but your body is still walking around, is a terrifying concept. The existential crisis you get when you see the character you'd been rooting for suddenly being bit. 

As the growing darkness of winter fixes in that ominous feeling of oppressive hopelessness during the long nights, I wish you all a Happy Halloween! Don't let the Zombies bite! Bwahahaha...