Unmotivated
I didn't write today. I told myself I would, but in the end I went out with two friends for coffee, and when I got back to my apartment, I had to take out my dog. The weather was around 20 Celsius, I think it's near the 70's in Fahrenheit. A gorgeously warm day. My dog and I stayed at the park for a while. I brought my Kindle and read a chapter of 'We Have Always Live In The Castle' by Shirley Jackson and soaked up some vitamin D. When I got home I watched TV and then kept watching Netflix until my husband got home. Why did I do that again? Then I read an article that I found on reddit about why GOT's final season is in controversy. If you're interested here's the link: https://blogs.scientificamerican.com/observations/the-real-reason-fans-hate-the-last-season-of-game-of-thrones/
All I've got to say on the matter is that I can't wait for George R. R. Martian to finish with the next book 'The Winds of Winter'.
To be honest I haven't felt very motivated to write in the last two weeks. When I have written I burn out at around 200 to 500 hundred words on my WIP MACHO. My writing day goal is around 1,000 to 1,500 a day. And I cringed at going back and editing YSWHHW (You See, What Had Happened Was), my teenage horror novel. It was a lot of fun to write and I churned out half of the novel during NANOWRIMO: National Novel Writing Month (and won! Yes, I just had to say that because it was freaking hard to do). It was the first nanowrimo that I'd done. Then I slowed down and finished the whole novel within five months.
I'm also going to World Con in August and I kept telling myself that I'll have it edited by then. That I can do a hard revision in these last few months. I keep telling myself that if I wrote a whole novel in five months then I can revise by then. I mean I was going to sequester myself for July for campnanorimo. But June is now two weeks away and I just feel like crying and giving up. And what if it's not read to pitch? And I being delusional or just overly ambitious, I honestly can't tell.
Then I let an acquaintance read a short story of mine and she told me that I should hire a professional editor to help me polish it and that's probably why it's not getting picked up by magazines. This stung, but its good advice. But then again....I really don't know which magazine it would fit in anyway, and in the back of my mind I kept thinking that maybe I'm not a good writer, then I'll flip and tell myself that I'm going to turn it into a YA novel, so maybe it's a good thing that it isn't getting picked up.
And I had another friend read 100 pages of my fantasy novel, the first 6 chapters and two prologues, that is incredibly close to my heart, and also nearly finished, but which I've been putting off for like ever. It's crazy, I know exactly what I want there I just haven't motivated myself to finishing it and instead wrote four other projects! It's insane.
Anyways, my beta reader told me that my main character wouldn't be able to do the things she was doing in the beginning chapters, that adrenaline doesn't work that way .Which I of course whole heartily disagreed with at the time. However, now, I believe she's right, and I'm going to have to do more research on what you can and can not do from adrenaline. Or just reword a few things. I don't have my character doing death defying feats... she accidental kills the creature coming after her (sorry vague, but it's too complicated to explain right now). Still it hurts. I just keep thinking about all of the rewrites that I have to do.
But then the pain ebbs away and you remember why you have beta readers in the first place. To make the story the best that it can be, and to help the author, because we get too close to the work and can't see the problems.
This is probably why my motivation has just been drained lately. Obviously. Deep inward sigh.
This unmotivated feeling hasn't been the first time. It won't be the last. I've struggled with self doubt, being uninspired, and unmotivated since I decided to become a writer. It's nothing new.
As I've been writing this post, though, I've been feeling revitalized. I love writing so much that I know I'll never give up on it or on myself. This is what I've always wanted to be.
I know tomorrow I'll just have to force myself to sit at my desk and stare at my story and revise YSWHHW, because it's a super damn fun story and it deserves to be read.
This happens to every writer. Don't. Give. Up!
All I've got to say on the matter is that I can't wait for George R. R. Martian to finish with the next book 'The Winds of Winter'.
To be honest I haven't felt very motivated to write in the last two weeks. When I have written I burn out at around 200 to 500 hundred words on my WIP MACHO. My writing day goal is around 1,000 to 1,500 a day. And I cringed at going back and editing YSWHHW (You See, What Had Happened Was), my teenage horror novel. It was a lot of fun to write and I churned out half of the novel during NANOWRIMO: National Novel Writing Month (and won! Yes, I just had to say that because it was freaking hard to do). It was the first nanowrimo that I'd done. Then I slowed down and finished the whole novel within five months.
I'm also going to World Con in August and I kept telling myself that I'll have it edited by then. That I can do a hard revision in these last few months. I keep telling myself that if I wrote a whole novel in five months then I can revise by then. I mean I was going to sequester myself for July for campnanorimo. But June is now two weeks away and I just feel like crying and giving up. And what if it's not read to pitch? And I being delusional or just overly ambitious, I honestly can't tell.
Then I let an acquaintance read a short story of mine and she told me that I should hire a professional editor to help me polish it and that's probably why it's not getting picked up by magazines. This stung, but its good advice. But then again....I really don't know which magazine it would fit in anyway, and in the back of my mind I kept thinking that maybe I'm not a good writer, then I'll flip and tell myself that I'm going to turn it into a YA novel, so maybe it's a good thing that it isn't getting picked up.
And I had another friend read 100 pages of my fantasy novel, the first 6 chapters and two prologues, that is incredibly close to my heart, and also nearly finished, but which I've been putting off for like ever. It's crazy, I know exactly what I want there I just haven't motivated myself to finishing it and instead wrote four other projects! It's insane.
Anyways, my beta reader told me that my main character wouldn't be able to do the things she was doing in the beginning chapters, that adrenaline doesn't work that way .Which I of course whole heartily disagreed with at the time. However, now, I believe she's right, and I'm going to have to do more research on what you can and can not do from adrenaline. Or just reword a few things. I don't have my character doing death defying feats... she accidental kills the creature coming after her (sorry vague, but it's too complicated to explain right now). Still it hurts. I just keep thinking about all of the rewrites that I have to do.
But then the pain ebbs away and you remember why you have beta readers in the first place. To make the story the best that it can be, and to help the author, because we get too close to the work and can't see the problems.
This is probably why my motivation has just been drained lately. Obviously. Deep inward sigh.
This unmotivated feeling hasn't been the first time. It won't be the last. I've struggled with self doubt, being uninspired, and unmotivated since I decided to become a writer. It's nothing new.
As I've been writing this post, though, I've been feeling revitalized. I love writing so much that I know I'll never give up on it or on myself. This is what I've always wanted to be.
I know tomorrow I'll just have to force myself to sit at my desk and stare at my story and revise YSWHHW, because it's a super damn fun story and it deserves to be read.
This happens to every writer. Don't. Give. Up!
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